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[09 Nov 2009|08:20pm] |
Okay, can everyone just stop?!
Stop looking older. Stop breaking up after being practically married. Stop getting married! Stop having babies. Stop dating the most RANDOM people on the planet. Stop moving away and seemingly ceasing to exist. Stop changing your views and morals. Stop acting like an asshole. Stop being someone you're not. Stop thinking you're super cool now. Stop speaking for me. Stop blaming everyone else. Stop dressing like whores. Stop acting like whores. Stop being proud of it. Stop being stupid and actually think before you act. Stop doubting yourself. Stop hating life. Stop being so naive. Stop treating the people you love like shit. Stop being so selfish. Stop being someone else.
Isn't ANYONE who they use to be anymore?! What in the hell happened to people?!? It's seriously unbelievable. It rocks my mind a little bit. I dunno, I think i'm just disappointed... I don't respect half the people I use to. It makes me really sad.
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[06 Nov 2009|12:05am] |
So i'm pretty sure the stress of school is seriously making me a little crazy.
I can't sleep. Ever. Yet i'm tired ALL the time. It's a little ridiculous. First of all, my bed sucks. For real. As does my pillow. I really need a new one. I bought one earlier this year and it was too firm and gave me headaches. That was a waste of $12. I really don't feel like wasting any more money. Second of all, when I do sleep, it's not a good sleep. It's a broken sleep full of tossing and turning. This could be due to the fact that my bed is crap or the fact that my ALREADY weird dreams are now getting weirder and more vivid. I woke up the other day and I was talking out loud like I was on the phone like I was in my dream... I caught myself talking in my sleep... That's new. All I want is a good, sound sleep. I don't think that's too much to ask for. I would give anything to get some good sleep at this point.
Last night was the most vivid and real dream I have ever had in my life. I was reliving this portion of my life that I have completely blocked out of my mind. It was like a movie of all the memories I have of my grandfather, some of which weren't even real. But regardless they were all wonderful, and I was there for all of it. In my mind, it was real life. Then I was standing outside the laundry room. My mom was inside, all dressed up, doing laundry, and crying. Then it occurred to me that my grandfather died and she was having a meltdown. I completely broke down. It was by far the worst feeling in the world. I felt completely broken. I woke up soaking wet from tears and sweat. I was sobbing and couldn't breath. I have no idea how long I had been crying, but i'm pretty sure it was a while since my eyes were swelled up. Even though I was awake, I couldn't quite grasp what had just happened. I was still melting down and the line between dream and reality was blurred.
I haven't thought about my grandfather or his death in literally years. I know it's terrible, but I just blocked him out of my mind completely. I can't handle things like that. I was 9 when it happened and it shattered EVERYTHING. I cried off and on all this morning. Thank goodness I didn't have class til the afternoon. I still looked like a wreck when I went, but I really don't care. I know it was just a dream, and it was a long time ago, but I just can't shake it. It feels like that all just went down this morning. I can't get it out of my head. Maybe some day i'll cope with it, but right now all i want to do is forget...
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[29 Oct 2009|11:42pm] |
All I gotta say is I must have done something right...
:]
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[27 Oct 2009|11:32pm] |
Alright,
So I just have to say that I am genuinely tired of people asking me if I had made friends and I need to vent a bit. I understand, it's a conversation starter, but seriously, quit it.
First of all, before I ever moved I had more incredible friends than I even knew what to do with. I am blessed with knowing some AMAZING people.
Second of all, a few of these amazing people came with me, and even more amazing people that I knew already went here. So it's not as if I jumped into this whole circumstance all alone. Goodness.
Third, I HAVE made friends. I'm sorry my 5 new friends is not a sufficient number for you. It is for me. I don't need 20 new friends who I will never call to hang out because I simply don't need them. I don't really care how rude or unfriendly that sounds. I'm not a friendly person. DUH. Like all of a sudden college was suppose to miraculously change me as a person and I was going to take my free time to try and meet as many new and wonderful people as possible? False. If I want someone to eat with I always have someone. If I want someone to work out with I always have someone. If I want someone to vent to I always have someone. Lets just say I do not enjoy $3.50 Thursdays at Cinemark alone...
Yes, I have no idea what I want to major in, what I want to do in life, or even if I want to stay at UNT, but just because I don't have everything figured out, doesn't mean i'm not happy. When have I ever had everything figured out? Or anything for that matter? Ha! :] I'm not going to settle for anything below the best. Everyone seems so worried that if i'm unhappy with my situation or circumstance i'm not going to do anything about it. Definite false. I don't care how long it takes me to figure everything out, and I don't need new friends to help me do that. Maybe I like to moldy oldies better ;] And the new ones thus far are pretty kick ass, so i'd say i'm set. Let me just say, I AM ENJOYING UNT, maybe I just want to explore what else I can do. Don't fret.
I realize, that this probably sounded incredibly rude, which it was, but this is why i vent here and not blow up in people's faces [I would never make friends that way ;) ]. I know people just want the best for me, but i'll get the best. Don't you worry :]
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[05 Oct 2009|08:34pm] |
I'm going to stop having such amazing weekends...
They make mondays just that much more awful.
I'm so incredibly cranky today. && sleepy (let's not forget that). Every time I go back home I never want to come back to school. Granted, I am really enjoying it in Denton now. I just love being back in SA town with the people I love to be around. Gjhsdfkjjkndf. No bueno.
I'm starting to (re)realize that I just ignore the things that bother me. Like if I pretend there's not an issue, it will just magically go away... That has to be the stupidest theory I have ever heard. I am also starting to think I thoroughly lack emotion. Haha I am SO weird... Like in my mind when I was leaving I was like "It's not a big deal. I'll be back in a few weeks. Whatever." I genuinely was not upset. Then i realized I was crying! Like usually you feel it coming or something but i didn't even notice. Then all of a sudden i had like 5 tears running down at once... At least we know my body notes my emotions, even though my mind doesn't. I am such a robot.
From now on I vow to quit ignoring things:
- I am currently very sad
- I think i'll have a good cry later in the privacy of my shower
- I still have no idea what i want to major in
- I don't enjoy psychology
- I have strong feelings for someone & I will NOT bail for once
- I hate all of my math teachers simply because I hate math
- My hair bores me to death
- I make too many jokes at the expense of other people
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[13 Sep 2009|07:20pm] |
Alright, so this place isn't so bad :] I think I just needed an epic football game to make me feel more at home. Pouring rain, freezing cold, double over-time. I think that qualifies as bad ass :D That's the kind of junk that i enjoy. Not this constant working my tush off. That, I do not enjoy. I mean, i would of preferred that we didn't lose by ONE POINT in double overtime, but i'll take what i can get. Any game is gonna look awesome when you're not watching Central get clobbered by 60 points. Sorry, it's true.
I still miss people though. Majorly sucks. It's SO weird going from knowing everyone to knowing 4 people. And it's SO weird not having band and jazz band and soccer and track. I feel like half of me doesn't even exist anymore. I guess you shouldn't live through your activities but I don't really think there's much to me without them. What the hell am I suppose to do for fun?!? Haha i can only see so many movies! :] I'm still working out at the rec and all that, but it almost seems stupid. "What am i working out for again? Wait, just so i don't get fat? What? That's it? Haha no really, why am i working out? ... Seriously? Well that seems like an odd concept..."
So overall i'm going to rank this experience as a 6 thus far. It would be a 7 but people wont stop playing THAT DAMN PIANO. God, I hate that thing so much! You have no idea. I want to smash that thing into a million pieces and make firewood. It's a god forsaken piece of decoration that people cannot seem to manage to restrain themselves from playing on. PS - it's majorly out of tune. Just to make it that much better. I think it's making me a bitter person. Seriously, single handedly wearing away all patience that I have ever developed. I'm less forgiving and less tolerant. I'm starting to resent musically inclined people. Scratch that, these people aren't musically inclined. They just think my floor is the place to TRY and develop musical talent. It's not. breeeeeeeeeeeathe. I feel like such a bitch, but let's be frank, it's annoying as hell. And if I actually had a backbone maybe i'd go into the hall and tell those people exactly what i think about their precious piano and their playing abilities. But I will not. Because that would hurt their feelings. Then i'd feel bad. I am completely incapable of telling people what I know they don't want to hear. So I will continue to suffer. And whine :]
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[08 Sep 2009|04:53pm] |
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Haven't updated since school started. Don't really have much to say. Still not sure how much I like it here, though i'm pretty sure it would be the same no matter where I went. Classes aren't too hard. Just a lot of reading at this point [my favorite]. Food is wonderful :] Ha, but so is the rec center, so it's ok. LOVE that place. Haven't really made any new friends yet, but that's ok. I will. It just might take a while. As of this point, i'm not very happy. I usually just tell people it's alright here to avoid further conversation. I figure after a semester i'll know if i'll like it here or not. It's kind of impossible to judge after 2 weeks where i've done nothing but go to class. I'm hoping after i join a club or two and go to the sporting events it will be more enjoyable. I mean, that's rather logical so i don't see why it wouldn't be... Off to Super-Target [the #1 greatest thing about this place] :D
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[22 Aug 2009|12:46pm] |
Say a prayer
The summer nights are dead
The fall is coming
We were careless hearts
Who got caught up in this
You were shy
To the night you drove me wild
And you crashed into me
And I won't lie
I wish it lasted a lifetime
Please stay
Won't you stay
Tonight
Breathe in deep
And say goodbye
The saddest song
I'll ever write
For anyone, anytime
Breathe in deep
Before I say
I can feel us slip away
You're almost gone
You're good as gone
August is over
Now we wait
Cause August had to end
All our bags are packed
Just two broken hearts
That got caught up in this
I deny
That tomorrow you'll be gone
And so far from me
It's something strange
Never love the same way
Please stay
Won't you stay
Tonight
Breathe in deep
And say goodbye
The saddest song
I'll ever write
For anyone, anytime
Breathe in deep
Before I say
I can feel us slip away
You're almost gone
You're good as gone
We can try to drown it out
But it never stops breathing
We can take it all in
But it never slows down
We've come down from that cloud
Well say
What you gotta say
Please say
What you gotta say
Whoa-a-oh-oh
Whoa-a-oh-oh
Breathe in deep
And say goodbye
The saddest song
I'll ever write
For anyone, anytime
Breathe in deep
Before I say
I can feel us slip away
You're almost gone
You're good as gone
August is over
We're not the reason
August is over
I hate today. I look & feel like complete shit :/ I don't think i'll ever really understand why things turn out the way they do. I have almost everything I could ever want. It's all right there, sitting in the palm of my hand, and now I just get to set it down and walk away. I never was notorious for impeccable timing... Back to square one I guess.
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[19 Aug 2009|03:27am] |
We watch the season pull up its own stakes
And catch the last weekend
Of the last week
Before the gold and the glimmer have been replaced
Another sun soaked season fades away...
[[You have stolen my heart]]
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[12 Aug 2009|05:27am] |
Say hello to goodbye...
[[i hate this]]
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[03 Aug 2009|02:16am] |
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music |
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The Shins: Chutes Too Narrow [[is incredibly badass]] |
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:D
So i've been in an awesome mood for like a month now. It's a bit ridiculous honestly. I'm like a giddy little school girl :P This has been the most amazing and memorable summer that I have EVER had. I don't even know where to start. I'm so happy with where things are right now; it terrifies me that it's all about to change. Just when things start to fall into place we get to mix it up again. I'm rather excited about that though as well... Don't misinterpret me though, i had some super shitty days towards the beginning of the summer. More like weeks really. There was a while when i was just really down on things. Sometimes things just don't go the way you wish they would. But i got so tired of being bummed out. Why bother? You can't change people, you can only change yourself and your attitude.
Anywho, got back from the road trip to Cali yesterday afternoon :] That was one wicked trip. 50 hours of driving plus an additional 5 days of west coast wonder. I thoroughly enjoyed it all. The Grand Canyon at sunrise, Bob the parachute man, Disneyland, Sea World, San Diego Zoo, Natural History Museum, Body Worlds, Birch Aquarium, the best burger in the nation, Oceans Beach, Grace's one song American Idol :], Timmy's "text messages", yelling at the british Tomtom, starting to drink coke again, getting adopted into a new family. I'll never forget it. Neither will my bank account. No pain no gain? Most definitely.
Well the night is young, but i'm still far behind on sleep.
Nighttt :]
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[21 Jul 2009|11:59pm] |
T-minus: 51 hours
Why do i love this summer??
cause it's super bad ass!
:]]
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[17 Jul 2009|01:09am] |
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mood |
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 singing |
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music |
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Sexy Love - Ne-Yo :]] |
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Pie... fills the cracks of the heart.
[[Go away pain]]
Unfortunately we do not have pie, so jello & pixy sticks will just have to do... I went to pick up my final transcript yesterday and figured out that I was 5 people away from being in the top 10% and being an automatic admit to A&M... Five people away from getting an instant acceptance letter... Five teeny tiny people... and i still didn't get in... I'm not sure your comprehending the ridiculousness in this... I actually started laughing when i read it. Someone out there definitely wanted me to pick UNT. My money is either on Jesus or Candace. It's a toss up really. But in the end I think it was all for the best. My heart will be just fine. I just wanted an excuse to eat pixy sticks :]
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[15 Jul 2009|11:53pm] |
You know, there are some people that i'm really going to miss.
Tonight reminded me of that.
These people that i'm use to seeing everyday (Before school, during school, after school, at friday night football games, jazz concerts & contests) i'm not going to see everyday anymore. I guess i kind of forgot how much better they make my life, how much fun i've had because of them. I think we get so use to the good things in our life that we take them for granted. We kind of lose appreciate for how important they are. But i guess that's how things go. Rather unfortunate, if i do say so myself...
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[14 Jul 2009|12:50pm] |
Andrew, Rachel, & Kevin all left me this morning :/
&& Mo is already gone.
[[I've seen better days]]
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[13 Jul 2009|02:52am] |
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Time doesn't wait for anyone...
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[04 Jul 2009|02:22am] |
All work and no play
makes 4th of July Allison a dull girl
Okay so maybe not no play :]
But the work part is pretty accurate
I'm exhausted
[[Nightt]]
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[02 Jul 2009|02:53am] |
Being happy isn't having everything in your life be perfect.
Maybe it's about stringing together all the little things...
making those count for more than the bad stuff.
Maybe we just get through it...
and that's all we can ask for.
- Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants
^ twas a really good movie :]
On a different note, The Haunting in Connecticut is genuinely one of the most terrifying movies that I have EVER seen. I'm exhausted. Night<3
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[28 Jun 2009|02:03am] |
I'm not really sure what I think anymore.
I think i'm doing the best thing, then the next day I think i'm wrong.
I wish someone would just spell it out for me cause I really don't get it.
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[27 Jun 2009|02:48am] |
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It's nights like tonight that I will miss the most...
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